Conflict Solutions

One of the conflicts that I had recently was with my cousin. He is a teenage, and goes to a local school with the Austrian program. He is meant to go to Australia to finish his college degree. He is a nice boy, but he cannot compose English paper to pass his exams. One day he came to me for help. He gave me all the resources and materials in hope of letting me write a paper for him as a draft of speech. I was shocked, as that was a heap of resources to study. I asked him if he knew anything about the topic and the assignment. He knew nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was disappointed, as he came to ask me to write his homework without knowing anything about what the homework was. I refused to do it for him, as it was his responsibility to do it. I wouldn’t mind correcting and polishing his work, but I wouldn’t want to do it for him. He was unhappy and couldn’t understand why I did not help him.

After that conversation, I had a reflection on what I had done with the boy. I figured out that actually I should have done it in a better way to solve the conflict with him and to make a compromise. I think there are some strategies that I could have used in this case. For example, I could be an active listener to listen to his needs and the reasons of why he needs help. I needed to clarify his requests by asking him more questions to dig out his real needs. Secondly, I should have created a supportive climate ( O’Hair & Wiemann, 2012). Once I made the clarification of his needs, I could make the compromise to gain a win-win situation. Instead of working for him, we actually could work together on the assignment. We could be like to team. The third thing that I should have done was about empathy. I care about that child, and I care about his emotions and feelings. I should have shown more respect to his feelings, as he must have been very struggling about that assignment.

The 3 R’s communication model means responsive, respectful, and reciprocal. In that sense, I think in my case, I should have given enough information of what I can do for him, and what I wanted him to contribute to the assignment too. 

Therefore, the compromise that I finally made with him was to work together as a team to work on that huge exam assignment together.

References:

O’Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real communication: An introduction. New York:Bedford/St. Martin’s

Communication Evaluation

After the evaluations, I was surprised to see the differences of the results between my one and the ones from the other two. I used to think I knew myself well enough to make other people feel the same way about me, but I am wrong.

The insight that I gained in the evaluations is that the two people and myself all agree that I have the anxiety of talking and speaking in public in a big group or in public, and I am glad it is well presented in front of me now. Since I had a fuller picture of what worries me, I can do more things to change it and improve myself.

The other insight that I have learned is about if I am aggressive or not when I am communicating with others. I was surprised to know that my closest friend thinks that I can be very aggressive when I am speaking. I always thought that I am an easy-going person with the consideration of others’ feelings. Right now, I realize that I can go too far with my temper when I am with the people whom I feel comfortable with, such as my childhood friend, and my family. I really appreciate my friend’s evaluation, as she told the truth about how she feel about me. In that way, I can have a correct impression of who I am, so I can control my temper better in the future to be a more effective communicator. 

With those two insights in mind, I think in the future I will be a more effective communicator , as I have known the areas that I need to improve. I believe I will control my temper better when I am talking with children, colleagues, and families, as sometimes I will not be aware of losing control. Meanwhile, I do believe that I need to improve my public speaking skills, as I am really nervous talking in public or within a large group. That is my goal for sure. As a teacher, if I can feel freely talking in a group or in public, it will benefit me in the future, if I am going to be the host of the grade level meeting for the parents, or when I am giving the workshops to other professionals.

Communicating with people from various cultural backgrounds

As I have many colleagues from various cultures, so I do feel that I communicate with people from different cultures differently.  For example, in my culture, touch is very common among girls. We can hold hands, or put the head on the other’s shoulder. It is not the culture of expats at school, so I pay special attention to it. When I am talking to Chinese girls at school, I will put myself in the touch culture to be friendly. On the other hand, when I am talking to expats, I will not touch them at all. I will keep a polite distance while we are talking. I think this is one of the differences that I have found in communicating with people from various cultures. The other thing that I have noticed is the word choice.When I am talking to young children, I prefer to use short and clear sentences to highlight what I want to express. Meanwhile, when I am talking to native English speakers at school, I will use formal sentence structures and longer sentences. I will not use slang, as I am not good at those yet. The most relaxing moment would be the time that I am talking to my Chinese colleagues and friends in Chinese. I use slang and dialect without worrying about confusion or misunderstanding.

From what I have learned this week, I think the following strategies may help me. For example, I should not fall into my schemas to have prejudgements of others when I meet someone for the first time. First impression is important, but it cannot be the only evidence for us to know others. It will be better for us to step out our schemas to have a real conversation with others to get to know people. Meanwhile, I should realize my cultural myopia to avoid stereotyping and prejudice (O’Hair & Weimann). 

References:

Dan O’Hair & Mary Wiemann (2012), Real Communication

The sound makes the difference in communication

The show that I chose to watch is “ Louis C.K.”. It is a show about a comedian. When I turned off the sound, this was what I thought. The episode that I watched, Louis was having a conversation with his daughter. The daughter was telling him a story and she seemed to like her story. Louis was listening while fixing some boxes. He stopped working for a second to look at his daughter with a confusing facial expression. Then he went back to work, and the daughter continued her story. In the afternoon, Louis was cooking, and made a mango popsicle for the other daughter, and the one who told him the story in the morning came to ask for one. Louis was rolling his eyes while the little girl was saying something constantly to him, and finally she got two pieces of chocolate and was asked to leave the kitchen. I think Louis was surprised to see how verbal his little daughter was, when she told the story, and he was impressed by the words that she chose to use. In this afternoon, I thought it was the other girl’s birthday, as there were a lot of food on the table, and that was also why she got the popsicle. The little girl begged for something, and she made Louis upset and impatient any more. That was why Louis gave her two pieces of chocolates and sent her out of the kitchen. I assumed the plot based on their facial expressions and their behaviors. Louis was rolling his eyes, looking at his little daughter with a confusing expression, he was busy making the dinner, and he was sending his daughter out of the kitchen with no patience by pushing her. The little daughter liked her story as she kept smiling when she was talking, and she was upset when she did not have the popsicle by frown his eyebrows. She smiled again, when she got the chocolate. 

I think my assumption will be more correct, if I watched a show that I am more familiar with. The reason for that is I know the personalities and the relationships of the characters better. I watched a show that I was really familiar with without any sound, and it was so much easier for me to know what was going on, and the reactions of each character.

My aha moment was when I turned on the sound I figured out why only one daughter got the popsicle, and why there was a special scene of all the yummy food on the table. The reason for that is because the story that the little girl told to dad in the morning. She missed her mum, thought her mum was a better cook, and wanted to go back to stay with mum. Dad was upset about what she said, and he made a feast in the afternoon. It was not anybody’s birthday, but was an effect of a little girl’s comment. 

I believe it was a good lesson to learn that communication is a combination of verbal and non-verbal expressions. Sometimes, we will be involved in our schemas that will not see or hear the truth. It is important to get out of our schemas to give ourselves opportunities to get to know people without any biases or prejudgements.

The competent communicator

Jing is my cousin, and I always like how she communicate with others. I believe the way she communicate with others brings her many true friends. Here is an example of how she communicates with others. 

One day, we went shopping together, and sometimes you have to bargain when you shop in China. Two of my other cousins went with us together, so there were four of us. Jing was furnishing her new apartment, so she was looking for some new curtains to go with the furnitures. We were at the curtain selling area, and we started to look around. All the sellers tried to talk to us to draw us to their shops, and finally we went in a shop with the curtains of her preferences. We went in, looked around, Jing had the eye contact with the owner, and they smiled to each other. I saw that, and all of a sudden, I felt a relaxing and friendly relationship has been built between Jing and the owner. While we were looking at the materials and the styles of the curtains and talking about our thoughts of the qualities and colors of the fabrics, the owner went up to us and started to introduce the materials and the styles. Jing was not saying anything, but listening to what the owner said, and after a while, she looked at the owner, repeated what she said about the material, and asked questions to the owner. In this way, back and forth, Jing gradually had an idea of what materials would be good for her curtains and what color and style would be suitable to match her furnitures. During the whole conversation, she was an active listener to listen, paraphrase, and ask for the verification. The communication between the seller and Jing went really well. When it was time to discuss the price of the curtains, there was some intense moments. The seller asked for a price that all my cousins thought was a ripe off. My other two cousins started to bargain for Jing, and they used loud and aggressive tones to show their anger of being ripped of. Meanwhile, the seller felt that she was attacked, and she started to argue back to say why she asked for so much. Before the seller could finish her explanation, my two cousins stopped her and were ready to take off. Jing stopped the intense conversation with a soft and calm voice. As China is a country with touch culture, she held my cousins’ hands to show them to calm down, and meanwhile, she turn to the own to give her a smile to say“ Let’s start to talk again” in a friendly tone. Since she stopped the intense conversation, and opened a new one, everyone seemed to calm down to sensible manners. Then Jing started to bargain, instead of using loud and harsh words, she used soft but clear words to show her positive intention of making the deal with the owner. On the other hand, the owner was much softer in her temper and started to have real conversations with Jing. Jing bargained, and the owner compromised. In the end, they made a deal without aggressive words or actions.

Jing’s eye contact and smile were the good start to give the own the nice first impression on her, which was the base for the success of the business with a decent price. She listened and asked the questions which meant that she had the interaction with the owner. It gave the owner the picture that Jing was interested in shopping in her shop. It encouraged owner to give more details of the materials and qualities. When Jing calmed down all the others, she used a soft but strong-willed tone to show her sincere to owner that she wanted to have a deal with the own, but the price was not that reasonable. Soft but strong-willed voice and tone was a signal to owner that she wanted to shop here only with a reasonable price. Jing was not aggressive or loud, but she has strong personality. I believe all those helped Jing make a good deal of the curtains with the owner.

What I thing will be good for me to become a more effective communicator in this scenario are the positive body language, correct grammar, the control of the situation, and listening. Eye contact and smile are the best tools for us to make friends and loosen the intensive moments. They also give out the signals that the respect and value we hold for the speaker. What’s more, active listening is a way to build up the relationship with others. Listening to others, paraphrase what others said, and make the verification. In this process, we processed the information that we get from others to form our own understanding, and then we propose our own opinions or questions. It is a great way to make the conversation go on. Last, it will be better for me that if I can control the situation of the communication, so I can make sure everyone is on the track, and I will know when to stop the communication, when it goes off the track.